Get a Goddamn Bluetooth

OK, people, we’re going to keep this simple.  When you have a phone in your hand, you drive like a fucking moron.  I know you think you’re a master multitask-er in the car, but you aren’t.  If you weren’t a good driver in the first place, you are now 100 times worse.  This is in no way debatable.

A bluetooth is not super advanced technology anymore.  I’ll tell you what is high technology – the medical equipment required to repair your internal organs from the multiple stab wounds you’ll receive after cutting me off while driving 20 miles an hour below the clearly posted speed limit while carrying on a conversation about your cat.  The added bonus?  $30 to $100 for an earpiece is far less than the copay on that ER visit.

 

This is a beautiful device, and will save your life either from an accident, or my wrath.

Are you one of those 50+ year old individuals that feels like you can’t keep up with technology, so you feel like you can cherry-pick what technology you want to use (cell phones) and not bother with the technology that seems like too much work (using a hands free device) while driving?  Tough shit.  On a touchscreen phone you can sync a bluetooth for the first time in fewer screen taps than it takes to dial a number you don’t have programmed into your phone.  Get a fucking bluetooth or don’t talk while you drive!  That’s not asking a lot!

Are you 65+?  Well, then I have a whole separate question for you.  Why do you insist on driving during rush hour?  You’re retired!  You can drive below the speed limit erratically whenever the hell you want!  There are only TWO times a day when you shouldn’t be doing that, and it’ll make for a nicer drive for you, anyway!  Why are you even awake during morning rush hour!?

Old lady, let’s not pretend you need that gun in the car to make you dangerous behind the wheel.

Anyway, back on track, you need a bluetooth.  Gone are the days where you’ll look like your meds just ran out when you’re talking in a direction that no people exist, but you still get all the benefits of being able to screw with people and make them think you’re talking to them when you really aren’t.  It’s all up to you and the direction you face!  Hell, multitask conversations instead of driving and conversing.  I can think of plenty of times I’ve wanted to tell two people at the same time that they’re retarded, all with the extra benefit of looking like some big shot that can’t be bothered to hold a phone up to my head.

 This man either just got finished closing an important deal, or just got news that he received a Wall Street bailout.  Industry sustaining go getter or giant flaming douche-bag, at least he’s definitely a big deal.

These days they’re more comfortable, have better sound quality, are easier to pair to your phone, and have extra features.  You can still talk on them and transfer your contacts and stolen MP3s to other people through them, but now they have voice to text abilities, noise cancellation, extended battery life, etc….  Plus, they’ll stop you from getting a ticket in one of those awful states with all the laws.  

For the record, the fact that WI has a law that you have to ride in a car seat until you’re 25 and 200lbs and no hands free law is kind of stupid.  I guess we have more car seat manufacturing plants than bluetooth factories in this state.

Smart Phones, Dumb Folks

As a person who has done troubleshooting for customers in only one type of technical field (cell phones) I really have to wonder if customers are more retarded about cell phones than other electronics because smartphones are relatively new to a lot of people.

This is especially true when it comes to the warrantee replacement issue. If I received a device, it had a problem with let’s say… freezing, and then I got it replaced a half dozen times and it did the same goddamn thing every time I would wonder if it was something I was doing, as opposed to a fatal flaw with every device I have ever used before calling my company to throw a tantrum about how the device is giant dud and claiming I’ve been scammed into buying a device that never works. Like a company with millions of customers would be ok releasing a device and continuing to sell them if every single device of that model had a known issue that caused it to stop working within a month of you having that device.

If you were to get a computer at Best Buy, that computer were to stop working, and Best Buy’s policy was to just give you a replacement computer so they didn’t have to deal with your whining, wouldn’t you assume that after getting a handful of different computers that all had the same issue after a certain amount of time that maybe you should try doing something different? Maybe you would stop loading the same programs immediately onto your computer. Maybe you would check to see if you have enough memory to comfortably run all those programs. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard a customer loudly complain that their phone won’t do something basic like recieve picture messages, and then halfway through the process of trying to fix their phone casually mention “oh yeah, and my phone keeps telling me I have low memory”.

There is a reason why in-store tech support will require you to do a factory reset on your phone before replacing it.  That reason is because after we get your crap off the phone, it usually works after that.  When you complain that it stops working a couple weeks after that, the new issue is whatever the reason is that causes the phone to have an owner that puts all the exact same crap on the phone that wasn’t working before.

And please, the next time you talk to your phone company with your undies all in a bunch over your smart phone not working well, let’s not get an attitude, because odds are better than not that the problem with your phone is either your fault because of what you have on your phone, or your fault because you’re trying to do too much with a smartphone you weren’t willing to pay more than $50 for. When you come to me yelling that your phone doesn’t work and I see that it’s giving you low memory errors, I view your blowing up on me similar to how the person who sold you your car would look at you if you came back to them screaming about how your car now has a flat tire; it’s not my fault and it’s an easy fix if you can take a deep breath and act like a grown up.

Stealing Someone’s Identity In Very Simple Steps

Interested in stealing someone’s identity in very simple steps?  Here’s how.

First of all, have a bill from a while ago that you haven’t paid.  In my instance, one of the billion hospital bills I got on my trip the the ER for a breathing problem I had.  Spent 30 minutes in the hospital, ran some tests, couldn’t figure out what was happening, got charged a couple grand even through my very high end insurance.  Very brutal, and apparently one of those bills did not get paid.  Perfect.

The next step is to wait for someone to call you from a collection department.  The new system they have for this is very annoying, as they actually put you on hold after they call you until someone is around to take the call.

The final step seems to be very, very easy.   After they asked me if I was me, I asked them to verify who I was by giving me my social security number, DOB, and address.  Sadly, this actually worked, as without doing anything besides confirming my name that they read off for me, the representative I was speaking with was more than happy to give me my full nine digit social security number, my date of birth, and my full billing address to “confirm they were speaking with the right person”.

Is this crazy?  I don’t even mind that I actually got a call pertaining to me, since I’m used to getting them for other people.  I get calls for three or four other peoples’ debts, though, and I never knew all I had to do was agree that I was the person in question in order to get all that personal’s private information.  If you see me at the library amassing a great wealth of products you’ll know that I’ve just hit the information lottery.  Please do not call State Collection Services Inc. in Madison trying to get my personal information, though.  My credit isn’t worth stealing.

Zooey and Apple, Perfect Combination

After having seen those new iPhone ads featuring that knucklehead Zooey Deschanel dancing around and talking to Siri, I would have to say that those two are a perfect match.

Both are trying to come off as quirky underdogs to be appreciated by the unique free thinking people, when they are most definitely not these things.  Apple is huge, yet they still are represented as the artsy, creative type that ventures away from vanilla Microsoft, yet that company is making enough money to make CEO billionaires.  Someone will have to explain to me exactly why Apple products have such huge markups, because the 25 cents an hour we pay those Chinese slaves factory workers hardly justifies the $700 price tag on phones phones and the $2500 MacBook pricing when you get get similar spec’ed competitor equipment for less than half the price.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/may/27/foxconn-suicide-tenth-iphone-china

Deschanel is similar.  Not only was she not always the offbeat goofball that her latest appearances would have you believe, there was a time where she actually tried to be sexual!  I know that it’s hard to believe, but that time did in fact exist.

Yeah, that's a girl you would assume would have weird tastes and be awkward around guys.

 

Apple and Zooey, both household names.  Both overrated.  Both pretty annoying.  Both have incredible marketing.  Both apparently think Siri can do a lot more than it actually does.

I am feeling a little bit more generous toward Zooey after that picture, though, so I’ll leave her alone until people start killing themselves because of her.  Although she did recently divorce Ben Gibbard, and anyone who has ever heard a Death Cab For Cutie song knows that guy is constantly teetering on the verge of suicide.

I Will Kill The Inventor of Customer Satisfaction Surveys

You ever get those little surveys from retail stores or fast food restaurants that offer you a dollar off your next purchase, or a chance to win money by taking them? Why on Earth do companies rely on these things to make decisions?

Think about the people that are willing to take a 10 minute survey to explain how they feel about their trip to WalMart.  Would you want to cater everyone’s experience around the opinions of someone who has so much extra time that they can spend twenty minutes online taking a survey for a one in a billion chance to win $1000 worth of WalMart merchandise?  If you have that much extra time and so little money that the miniscule chance of winning a mediocre prize paid in cheap products has an influence on how you live your life, you shouldn’t be taking a survey from them, you should be applying for a job working for them.  It almost makes me want to spend time filling out those stupid things, since it makes me upset to think that these companies are now going to be basing business decisions around catering to these morons.

$1000 chance of winning with only a million other people surveyed! That's like .1 cents for 20 minutes of time!

Hey Taco Bell, we already know that your customer service is terrible without the help of some strongly disagree ratings on a survey.  No one goes there and orders more than two things without expecting you to screw something up.  That will never change until you start paying people more than minimum wage.  I don’t even expect it to change, and I certainly don’t want you to take any measures to fix it.  I’ll order one extra taco every time I drive through to make sure you include enough food to fill me up, but you have to hold up to your part of the bargain and not increase operating costs by replacing those creatures that work inside your restaurants, causing operating expenses to go up.  I want to pay 99 cents, and only 99 cents, for each spongey tortilla shell filled with what you call cheese and beef-like product. If you want to make me happy you can stop wasting money by doing these ridiculous surveys and put 10% more imitation meat product in your dollar menu items.  My cancerous tumors and morbid obesity aren’t going to develop themselves.

I don't know what this crap actually is, but give me three! Actually, make it four, because you'll forget one and probably screw another one up.

This world already caters to the 1% of the population that comprise the “squeakiest wheel” demographic.  Please stop giving these people things, and stop making an experience around what these people want.  The customers that have the time to fill out stupid surveys and call and give feedback on the customer service they received by a disinterested clerk at a cheap retail store are the customers that are ruining things for everyone else!  If someone told you that there was a tiny base of customers that would tie up the majority of your customer service department, return enough items to cause half of your refurbished or open-box inventory, and constantly demand credits and free things from your company, you shouldn’t be saying “how can I give these people everything they want?”.  You should be saying “how can I get those dumbasses to go ruin my competitor?”.  Maybe end every one of these surveys with “thanks for wasting your time taking this survey, you goddamn idiot”.

The next time you go to buy a phone and you see three sales people trying placate some irrational stupid’s tirade about how his phone is too confusing because it has too many options that he can’t simply ignore (because he paid for those features!) and how he was tricked into getting a flip phone that was too difficult to use, remember that if you have service with that company you are indirectly paying for the customer service it takes to handle that idiot.  80% of the calls at that phone company’s call center come from the same 5% of people.  You know why so many companies outsource customer service?  It’s because those morons waste so much money worth of peoples’ time that companies can no longer afford to hire Americans to talk to you while keeping service rates competitive.  Those high maintenence jackasses are ruining things for the people that have legitamate problems and just want to speak to someone that can understand the finer intricacies of their own language.

You know why it’s so hard to get a warranty issue taken care of?  It’s because those special people are trying to scam a return due to something they did wrong, or because they don’t take the time to actually try to figure out and resolve the problem on their own. All technical support people assume you’re retarded, because 80% of the time they’re getting calls from that 5% of people that don’t take the time to see if their electronics are plugged in, or have batteries in them, or just need a basic thirty second fix.  This is all not assuming the person the person is a downright bastard and just complaining about imaginary problems with their phone to get the upgraded model he wants.

SPOILER ALERT: 90% of all electronic issues can be resolved by turning the device off and back on, but do you think these people try that?  I swear to you, if I had a recording that played before I took each customer’s call that said “please turn your phone off and back on” I would take half as many troubleshooting calls.  I am not exaggerating.

Next time you go shopping, think about the fact that if you could get rid of the 5% of people that ruin it for everyone else with their incompetence, illogical complaints, ridiculous lawsuits, and abusive attitudes your expensives would be considerably less, the company you worked for would be much more profitable, and you could be paid more.  Now this is not the case if you’re a lawyer, since they feed off the stupid lawsuits and the threat of those lawsuits, but if you are, I feel fairly comfortable tossing you into that 5%.

Cell Taxes, You Have No Idea

So, do you ever think to yourself after getting your first couple cell phone bills  “boy, that sales rep sure is a lying pile of horse feces”?  Sure you do, and usually with good reason.  One thing he isn’t 100% responsible for is the fact that your bill is legitimately going to be somewhere around 15%-40% higher than it should be thanks to a million different areas of government getting their hands into your pocket through your cellphone bill.

This picture actually has nothing to do with taxes. It's just displaying RIM's entire current net worth.

Now, for the sake of keeping this brief enough for the ADHD masses that decide to read a blog over a book, I’m going to keep this to the fees people actually see on a bill, or most easily relate to paying drastic increases in money over.

I’m not going to go into great detail on how the FCC tightly regulates spectrum (think of spectrum as the limited radio frequencies wireless operates on) and auctions it off for proceeds, because it seems like you need an engineering degree to fully understand how dicked over you’re getting.  $60 billion dollars they’ve made through auctioning that spectrum off to companies, and you know where that leads.  Those companies that own that spectrum are going to bleed that money right back out of the consumer without the consumer realizing they’ve just been inadvertently taxed by the government while that government sells to the wealthiest companies, pretty much ensuring that only a few companies control the vast majority of spectrum.

Instead, let’s focus our attentions on the things we do see on the bill, so I can show you how it’s possible to be paying as high as a 42% tax rate on your bill.  Looking on your bill you see about a million little bonus costs.  They’re tricky, because they’re listed in multiple areas, but we’ll start with the ones that are listed as taxes, and make our way to the ones charged as fees.

When it comes to taxes, this is generally only going to include sales tax.  Not so bad, right?  Sales tax is usually pretty low, and some states don’t even have it!  Well, laugh it up Oregan, Delaware, New Hampshire, and Montana, but if you think you’re getting off that easy, you are very wrong, because there’s plenty more in store for you.  Anyway, state sales taxes usually range between 4%-9.45%, but that’s just regular sales taxes.  Some states have a luxury (excise) tax, and some of THOSE states have decided that cell phones are part of that luxury tax, as the first thing I relate to cell phones are cigars, yachts, and monocles.  I mean, when you’re not at home there are always all those pay phones on the sides of the streets nowadays, right?

Now, this is great, but counties, cities, and municipalities of all shapes and sizes also need to get their piece of the pie, so you might find your phone bill containing a whole load of extra little sales taxes tucked in there, too.  There really isn’t any regulation on what local municipalities can tack on your bill, so if you get a tax happy bunch, be prepared to watch your bill shoot up.

Though entirely unrelated, this comes to mind.

Ok, so sales taxes can be a tough pill to swallow, and luxury taxes at double that level get tougher, but what are these fees on this bill, and can it really be that bad?  Of course the answer is yes, or you probably would be pretty mad you read this far.

We start with both federal and state USF  (Universal Service Fund) fees.  The Federal USF charge is huge, and for the most part it takes your money in order to make sure cell phone service isn’t more expensive for people that live way the hell out in the middle of nowhere.  Ever wonder why those crazy rednecks that live in the middle of a swamp get a cell phone tower devoted pretty much solely to themselves and a couple other neighbors?  Yeah, you help pay for that.

Some of the rest of the Federal and the majority of the State USF charges go towards putting wireless in government buildings and libraries.  Also, there is Lifeline, which is basically like phone welfare.  Now I don’t want to say that getting a dollar amount off your cell bill when you’re low income is necessarily a bad thing, but I will tell you that the Lifeline discounts I normally see (usually around $13, sometimes more) come off cell phone plans that include multiple smartphone family lines with unlimited minutes and messaging.

Not to finish there, 45 states and many cities go an additional step and tack on a fee for emergency services.  This 911 fee is a reasonable enough idea (and would be more reasonable if it didn’t feel like it should already be included in one of the billion other ridiculous taxes), but the problem is with the amount.  With some states it’s about .40 cents, and most people can live with that, but when you get to certain areas it’s absolutely ridiculous.  Chicago’s E-911 fee is $2.50!  A flat $2.50!  You’re going to tell me that you are using $2.50 from every cell phone in the entire city to run your emergency services?  If you are, you need to make that stuff about ten times as efficient.  If you’re just trying to gauge out more taxes, have the decency to name the additional taxes what they are.  Try something like “Our Future Governors Legal and Prison Upkeep Fee”.  Not to mention the state often charges an additional .24 for some goofy state utility tax.

Last, but certainly not least, there is the Regulatory Cost Recovery Fee, which is your cell phone carrier’s way of telling you that you’re going to be paying for all the stuff the government forces them to pay for.  Federal mandates for storing pools of numbers to assign, the services they’re forced to carry to make sure you can port your numbers to and from other companies, E-911 setup, services for the hard of hearing and speech impaired, and the Regulatory Fee they pay to operate all get passed right on to you in the form of a fee that usually ranges between $1.25 and $1.80.

Now there are other little things other states have to toss a few cents onto your bills, but this seems like a good enough idea for the time being.  To sum it up, let’s take a look at what fees a person in Chicago can expect to pay on a five line family plan.
OK, so we have a five line basic family plan for a person living in Chicago.  Let’s estimate it at about 69.95 for the first two lines, and 10 for each line afterwards, putting the pretax bill at $99.95 (Verizon Pricing.  Basic limited minute family plans with all major carriers are pretty much the same).  Not bad for five phones, not bad at all.  There might be a $30 activation fee if you can’t get them to waive it, and most companies have some workaround for that, like ordering online, or bugging them enough.  Then start the problems.

Now, you get a subsidized price off your phone for starting a new line.  Free phone that would normally retail for a hundred fifty bucks!?  Nice.  No tax on that, right?  Wrong.  The government has decided that since those were essentially being treated as freebees by companies to get you to sign big revenue generating long-term service contracts, they were not being taxed enough.

If you think about it, that really makes no sense.  Right in that sentence they admit that it’s in return for the big service contracts which are very well sales taxed.  Now you are not only getting the full tax on the phone that was subsidized, but you are also getting fully taxed on the service plan that is higher to make up for the cost of the phone subsidy.  That is seriously stupid and basically ends up with you getting taxed twice.  It boils down to paying taxes on a loan you take out to buy something you’ll be paying taxes on.

Whatever, so you got jobbed on some sales taxes on your phone.  Now, a smartphone like the iPhone can frequently go from $700 down to $200, so if that was the case you’d be paying taxes on an extra $500.  In Chicago, the city of super-taxes, that would be a pretty huge hit.  Thankfully, in this scenario we’re only getting a $150 subsidy, so the sales tax is slightly less absurd.

$150 phone subsidy with a sales tax of 7% from the state.  That’s $7.  Now, the service plan is 100, and that gets taxed at the 7% excise tax from the state, 7% “communications” tax from the city, 3% from the fed.  Nice, there’s $17 more.  So after sales tax we have a one time $7 worth of tax on a $0 phone, and a regularly occurring $17.  That’s a good start.

Now this is when we come to the USF charges.  These are charged  at the account level, and then more small ones for each line.  We’re looking at about about $1.00 a line in all these goofy little charges, one of which might be a utility charge for who knows what depending what part of the city you’re at.  Add that to the rest and your recurring fee just jumped to about $22.00.  I would like to stress to you that I have estimated this DOWN to $1.00 a line, assuming you’re in a generous area

Fees are where things get most interesting, as these are charges PER LINE.  We’re looking at regulatory cost recovery fees of about a $1.50 a line on average, and our Chicago special $2.50 insane E-911 fee.  I hope you’re calling 911 a lot to get your money’s worth, and if these taxes hint at anything, it’s that you might just need to use that number after you see your bill so they can zap you with those little paddles after you have your heart attack.   ($1.50 + 2.50) x 5, and we have another $20.

Nice, $42 worth of taxes every month on a $100 bill, now you’re talking.  Sure, I’ll admit, Chicago is an extreme example at what ends up being 42% taxed, because the people that live there are apparently all criminals or dummies, but all major cities are nearly as bad when it comes to cell taxes, and all smaller cities are just regular horrible.  Why is this something that doesn’t get more complaints?  Is it ok because you only have a single line plan (which have a lower tax % rate because they end up being more expensive per line) and only pay 25% taxes?  Do you have a more expensive plan, so the flat fees take a smaller % of the overall bill?   Do you live in a different city and only pay 15-20% taxes?  I don’t know about you, but that still strikes me as wrong.

I suppose if you’re a big believer in flat taxes cell phones taxes are pretty much where it’s at, since a family’s economic standing really doesn’t seem to have a huge impact on how much they spend on their wireless bills.  Hell, people that are still too poor for the good stuff are on pace to pay a much higher percentage tax rate on their bill than people with money for their own single line smartphone plans!

Oh well, just add it to the list, I suppose.  Don’t think that if you’re on a flat rate prepaid plan you’re getting off easy, either.  Although they avoid a couple of the fees, companies include those taxes into your bill.  I was going to put in a really great NSFW image of a guy bending over with unspeakable IRS related things being inserted inside him, but hey, I’m a classy guy.  That’s the note I’ll leave this on, because really, that’s the most important thing for you to take away out of this.

Hey Stupid, No One Taps Your Calls

I cannot stress this enough.  You are my least favorite tinfoil friends.  I understand that you are paranoid.  I understand that you have very little common sense and have no one besides me to talk to all day.  Please, do not call me about your phone calls being monitored, though.

Let’s just go ahead and ignore the equipment requirements, cost, and difficulty of listening into your phone conversations.  That’s a whole different area that isn’t important to the real message I’m trying to get across to you.  That message being one of NO ONE CARING ABOUT YOU.

You always fit into the exact same demographic: 45-60 years old, lower income, and not from a major city.  Your bills are never paid on time, you always call me when regular people are working, you are old enough to not have a firm grasp on new technology, and you always have other problems which would lead me to believe you have no common sense at best, no grasp of reality at worst.  Don’t worry though, I’m going to put your mind at ease using these clues so that you can go back to planning your defenses against the upcoming global apocalypse or alien invasion.

So how do I know that your phone isn’t being tapped?

Clue #1  You are not important.

I really can’t stress this one enough.  If some unknown entity is trying to listen in on your calls, there has to be a reason why they would do something like that.  You aren’t a government official or you wouldn’t also ask me what that five cent state USF charge on your bill goes towards.  You aren’t a drug kingpin or you would have a prepaid cellphone without your name attached to it.  Your ex-spouse definitely does not have the means to do something that requires more thought than using a microwave or you never would’ve been able to trick that person into marrying you in the first place.

Clue #2  You have no money to steal

I know you’re very concerned with all your fabulous wealth being stripped from you by some evil mastermind, but why on Earth would they waste time with you?  It really isn’t that hard to get personal information about people that have good paying jobs, and from my records I can see that you call us about once a weekday during normal business hours.  This indicates to me that you do not have stable work, and there is no reason for anyone to believe otherwise.  It also doesn’t help that I can see that your 29.99 phone bill is paid weeks late every month, and you nitpick every last penny on all your bills (including the late fee from not paying your bills on time, ever).

Now I know you’re very protective of your private information, as it took me ten minutes to convince you to give me the last four digits of your social security number so I could access your account, but if someone wants to steal financial information, there are much, much easier ways to get it.  I know you’re doing your best to keep people from getting access to your information, but you most certainly are not.  You think paying by mailing a check in is safer than reading off that information to me?  Reading off a debit card number means one person has access to your money (me).  Mailing in a check means several postal workers and at least three people working at our company hold your check in their hands.  I don’t know if you understand how popular check by phone or check by internet is, but I’ll save you some trouble by telling you that anyone that gets an eyeful of your check now has the routing and account numbers they need to go on a spending spree.  You know why banks and companies allow people to do this?  It’s because no one cares enough about the tiny amount of money in your account to make it worth their time to proactively stop it from happening.

Clue #3:  There are easier ways to get your stuff

Anyone that knows you also knows there are a million easier ways to trick you out of your money.  Wallet inspector comes to mind – Anyone showing up claiming there is an outbreak of anthrax on dollar bills – Someone with glass beads to trade for your electronics – Alien repellant salesman – Attractive woman that pretends to like you.  The list goes on and on.

Now, anyone that really wants to be afraid should focus more on the information anyone in a corporate credit/collections department has on you.   When I worked in credit, I had a very user-friendly system I could use to find absolutely any information on anyone.   I could use your license plate number to find out your sister’s mother-in-law’s maiden name, home address, driver’s license number, and social security number.   I could see every place you’ve ever lived, every bank account you’ve ever had, and every person you’ve ever lived with.  Now if you were important, that’s what you would worry about, because that’s creepy.

Customers Be Crazy

I don’t know how many of you people work in customer service, but damn some people have a crazy idea about what’s fair.  I thought I’d shoot out some of the craziest complaints I’ve received during my time dealing with customers.

#1  Woman wants insane refund.

This is by far the craziest thing I have ever heard.  When I worked for a large retail store’s corporate headquarters, I received a letter from a woman who said she had bought a diamond ring from us, and she was quite dissatisfied with the quality of that ring.  Outraged at the low quality of that ring (which she had purchased at a store without realizing its lack of quality somehow), she decided to do the only thing that would make sense.   She threw it in the trash, and then immediately wrote us a letter demanding a refund for that trashed ring.   Needless to say, she assumed we would not require the return of that ring due to it’s extreme shoddiness.

#2  At that same corporate headquarters, we had a woman call in to tell us that she was cancelling her credit card through us and would no longer doing business with us for cat related reasons.

Why would she do such a thing?  Because that state in which its corporate headquarters was located passed a law making it legal to kill feral cats.  Well done, crazy cat lady.  I’m sure that accomplished something.  It’s that kind of crazy association that has you alone with only the company of some mangy cats that are just biding their time before consuming you alive.

#3  Customer upset over terrible phone they received that won’t charge.

Can you imagine the frustration you would feel if you just got a new $500 phone that won’t even hold a damn charge!?  You paid good money for that phone, and it won’t even TURN ON!  Just because it turns out you don’t have the charger plugged into an OUTLET!  What kind of excuse is that!?

#4  Customer demands a free phone because their phone was stolen.

This one is up here because I hear it frequently.  Customers, I know you say it isn’t you fault that someone stole your phone, but that sure as hell doesn’t make it our fault!  What on the planet makes you think that you are deserving of a new phone (for free, no less) because someone stole yours?  It certainly is more your fault for putting your phone in a thieve-able position than it is our fault for having a customer that can’t keep track of their phone.  We did offer you insurance when you got that phone.

Speaking of insurance, if you have a kid under 18 with a smartphone that costs $500 or more and they lose/steal/break their phone, I have zero sympathy for you if you don’t have that phone insured.  Less than zero, because not only do I not feel bad for you, but I actually feel that you may be retarded.  Your idiot kids being entrusted with devices that cost half your paycheck are the reason phone insurance is as expensive as it is.  They’re the equivalent of that 300lb beast at your office on the company insurance that develops diabetes and doesn’t get regular treatment.  You are ruining insurance for everyone else, so at least make use of it.

That’s less than you deserve, filthy iPhone.

#5  Customer flipping out because of our terrible service giving them an error when they try to call one specific person.

Please, people…  PLEASE!  When you get an error message when calling one person and only one person only, think to yourself.  You can call other people.  Other people are also having trouble calling that person.  What is the most likely explanation?  With how quick some people are to call in with phone issues I’m constantly surprised that we don’t get them asking our advice on TV brands or what to wear that day.  Sure, you have a wireless modem through us.  That doesn’t mean you can call us for help installing your antivirus program!  I AM NOT YOUR LIFE COACH!

#6 Customer shut off for not paying their bill for an eternity.

You would be shocked at what customers expect from companies they refuse to actually pay.  Oh, you’re mad that we shut you off after not paying a single bill for three months?  You shouldn’t be held responsible for the amount owed because you don’t remember ever receiving a bill from us in the mail?  You use your phone EVERY DAY!  How do you not get a daily reminder that maybe the thing you hold in your hand for hours a day might eventually be accruing charges you are responsible for!?  If you don’t get a letter from your bank/landlord informing you that your mortgage/rent is due do you not pay that, either? Next time you make a call, think to yourself “I don’t pay any money for this.  Why does it still work?  How long will it still work for if this trend continues?”

…And news flash, I know your phone is important to you.  You don’t have to tell me this.  Everyone’s phone is important to them, unless you’re a hermit, or possessing some type of telepathy.  If we don’t make your phone stop working at some point you will never pay us.

My all time favorite on this note is a customer that called in after buying a phone that was free after a hundred dollar mail in rebate, and never paid for a month of service.  Two months later he gets suspended and eventually cancelled for non-payment, and then calls in demanding his rebate!  First, you owe us a ton of money.  Secondly, you did not do us a favor by paying us a hundred dollars for a phone that was subsidized down to a hundred dollars (and then free after rebate).  We have just lost money not only on the phone subsidy, but on whatever service you wasted on our network and never paid for.  Now you want us to give you a hundred more dollars.  Right.

News – When you buy a phone from a carrier that puts you under contract, that phone company is selling that phone to you at a loss.  That’s why there’s a contract with a termination fee involved, so that people don’t make a business out of buying phones and leaving immediately afterwards, or reselling them without actually paying for service to help those companies recoup the losses from selling you that phone.

#7:  Customer with a double bill for service.

Now, I would say 80% of angry calls stem from a person who doesn’t do a very good job paying their bills, but a common one involves people who actually get their phones shut off.  Now, I’m pretty sure most people by now realize that with a cell phone, you get billed for the month going forward.  If your bill prints on the tenth of the month, and your service is shut off because you found it inconvenient to make your payment, we aren’t going to charge you for that month if you’re shut off on that bill print day.  You’d be even more furious is we kept billing you while we didn’t let you use your phone, wouldn’t you?  Now, if you get it restored two days later, you can damn well believe you don’t get that month for free.  Next month you’re getting a bill for that month AND your next one.  Why you think you shouldn’t have to pay for an entire month worth of service because you didn’t get to use your phone for a couple days is beyond me.  Use common sense.  If you get a bill for $0-$20 for a month when your bill is normally over a hundred, maybe you should call to find out why.  Spoiler: You never hit the free phone service for a month lottery.

Don’t even get me started on what they request to have their bill credited for.  I’ll save that one for its own entire post.

Don’t Screw With My Vending Machines

Damn you, work.  Bring back my vending machines.  These new high tech vending machines are crap, and it’s immoral to replace perfectly wonderful Hostess goods with your goddamn bags of chips.

If you buy one of those fun size bags of chips then you are the problem, people.  Don’t let Big Vending pressure you into spending a full dollar for six chips in a little foil bag that costs more than the actual chips.  You have the right to say “no”!

(it doesn’t count as more chips if you pre-smash them in the bag)

I know that it seems tempting to buy those chips, but don’t you see what’s happening?  You used to have the option for fruit pies and doughnuts, now they’re muscling you into buying quarter-a-piece Sun Chips because you have no other options.  Sure, your break is only 15 minutes and you can’t make it outside of the building, and if you had the planning and foresight to bring something better to work in the first place you probably would’ve had enough planning and foresight to plan your life in a way that wouldn’t have resulted in you working in a call center.  Still, you need to use your will power to show these snack tyrants that they can’t get away with this.

They already made sodas from the machine so expensive that they had to install a credit card machine into the vending machine so people could buy them.  That is unacceptable!  No vending machine dispensing soda or snacks should be expensive enough to need a credit card swipe!  Work, you have sold out your employees to Big Vending, and this will not stand!

You have no idea what class of human being you are messing with.  With one simple food boycott the morbidly obese office could easily cripple vending profits.  I’m pretty sure they have to restock those vending machines multiple times a week.  Chubby call center folks must have snacks, but they still have SOME self respect, I’m kinda sure!

This is not the first scheme these vending people have pulled on us. Their last trick was designing the machines so they would hold onto bags of chips by the tiniest of threads and never let go.  No matter how many times you tried to buy just one more, thinking an avalanche of chips would fall if you continued to feed the machine money, they would proceed to continue to all get stuck, leaving you snack-less, and too ashamed of your attempt to scam and extra snack from the machine to request your money back.  Haven’t we learned our lesson yet?

AT&T: We Still Have Customers For Some Reason

There’s a lot of debate on what really makes a company successful in today’s busy, competitive market, and sometimes the best way to determine what business strategies work the best is by taking a look at large, continually growing companies and break down how they do things.

Today, let’s look at AT&T.  It’s a huge company with million upon millions of customers, and its cell phone branch has continued to grow in 2012.  This is the area we’ll be focusing on, since really I could give a rat’s ass about what company puts a DVR in my entertainment system, and landlines are for invalids and creatures that get chased by pitchforks if they are caught outside by local villagers.  Here are some of the prestigious awards that helped it reach that level:

#1: Most Expensive Phone Company on Earth:

This isn’t a real category, but I just thought I would give out this award myself to point out what a premium service AT&T is.  Sure, spending 129.99 to get 900 minutes, 5GB of data, and unlimited data FOR A SINGLE LINE seems like a lot if you want to own an AT&T iPhone.  Sure, you can go to Sprint, T-Mobile, US Cellular, Metro PCS, etc… and get a family plan for that price, or go to Verizon and get a phone 10 times better and have data speeds and voice quality that make you actually want to use your phone, but why leave the sweet additional perks you get with AT&T?  Allow the rest of the awards to explain.

#2: Worst Website Ever:

Ah, sorry again.  It just felt wrong not to give out this award after trying to navigate their site to find pricing.  Wow, I don’t know if they had someone straight from PC Pro Schools set that thing up, or if they do it on purpose to screw with people trying to get their valuable information, but it works.  I swear, by the time I had added a device and a corresponding plan to my cart I wanted to just buy the goddamn thing since I had invested so much time getting that far.  Thankfully after 15 seconds of inactivity when I went to take a couple shots to dull the mental anguish the website had caused me, the site had timed me out and started me over with an empty shopping cart.

#3: Worst Customer Service in the Wireless Industry

http://news.consumerreports.org/electronics/2011/12/att-rated-lowestagainin-our-annual-satisfaction-survey.html

http://www.theacsi.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=246:press-release-may-2011&catid=14&Itemid=291

Wow, back to back on the Consumer Reports survey, and pulling in the sled at last after achieving least improved carrier in the ACSI reports!  AT&T, you have proven to me that you are committed to sacrifice whatever it takes to make your plans only slightly more expensive than any other carrier on planet earth.  Sure, your reps are frustrating to deal with, but with the amount of complaints they get regularly do you know how much it would cost to hire representatives with half a brain?  “Complaints about what?”, you ask?  Well how about…

#4: Worst Network Quality out of Any Major Carrier

http://www.bgr.com/2011/08/29/att-network-ranked-worst-among-major-u-s-carriers-by-j-d-power/

Nice work AT&T.  You are bringing home all the awards for the last year!  Let’s not rush to conclusions, maybe JD Power Associates measured on things that aren’t very important.  Let’s see : J.D. Power ranked network performance in 10 key areas for this study: dropped calls; calls not connected; audio issues; failed/late voicemails; lost calls; text transmission failures; late text message notifications; Web connection errors; email connection errors; and slow downloads. Is that stuff important to you?

I mean sure, smartphones are awesome, but if your calls don’t drop won’t you go over your minutes?  If your data works faster than a kilobyte every couple minutes can you imagine the data charges!?  This is AT&T helping you keep costs down!  I mean, not the costs of its restore fees/activation fees/termination fees, as those are the highest in the industry.  Not the monthly costs of their price plans, as those are the highest in the industry.  Some other costs that I can’t think of right now.

#5 Top 3 Most Hated Companies

http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/13/10149379-facebook-att-make-list-of-most-hated-companies-in-america

Oh, Wall Street Journal, there you go again, talking about our friends at AT&T like you know something about business.  I’m going to chalk this one up to a fluke, because they’re jealous of AT&T’s massive success while newspapers are fading away into the abyss.

I’ve got some runner up type awards I’d love to see them walk away with, too.

How about its HSPA network for “Biggest Stretch of the Term ‘4G'”?  Good lord, if it wasn’t for WiMax, this one would be a runaway victory, but Sprint keeps AT&T and T-Mobile close.  HSPA is to 4G what fruit is to a dessert.  It’s something you tell people with childlike intelligence to make them think they aren’t getting screwed over.

Maybe “Most Embarrassing Merger Block in Wireless History” for thinking the FCC would ever allow the second and fourth largest carriers to merge together?  I wonder how much they spend on lobbyists to make it even take more than five minutes to come to the decision.  Oh wait, all the INCREDIBLE LIES they told might’ve helped prolong the process.  http://money.cnn.com/2011/11/29/technology/fcc_att_t-mobile/index.htm

So get on over to AT&T, and get yourself a sweet new smartphone.  Maybe then you can go to another wireless company after that to get a WIFI hotspot to run it on.