Get a Goddamn Bluetooth

In Humor, Phones, Shopping, Technology, Work on September 8, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , , ,

OK, people, we’re going to keep this simple.  When you have a phone in your hand, you drive like a fucking moron.  I know you think you’re a master multitask-er in the car, but you aren’t.  If you weren’t a good driver in the first place, you are now 100 times worse.  This is in no way debatable.


A bluetooth is not super advanced technology anymore.  I’ll tell you what is high technology – the medical equipment required to repair your internal organs from the multiple stab wounds you’ll receive after cutting me off while driving 20 miles an hour below the clearly posted speed limit while carrying on a conversation about your cat.  The added bonus?  $30 to $100 for an earpiece is far less than the copay on that ER visit.



This is a beautiful device, and will save your life either from an accident, or my wrath.

Are you one of those 50+ year old individuals that feels like you can’t keep up with technology, so you feel like you can cherry-pick what technology you want to use (cell phones) and not bother with the technology that seems like too much work (using a hands free device) while driving?  Tough shit.  On a touchscreen phone you can sync a bluetooth for the first time in fewer screen taps than it takes to dial a number you don’t have programmed into your phone.  Get a fucking bluetooth or don’t talk while you drive!  That’s not asking a lot!

Are you 65+?  Well, then I have a whole separate question for you.  Why do you insist on driving during rush hour?  You’re retired!  You can drive below the speed limit erratically whenever the hell you want!  There are only TWO times a day when you shouldn’t be doing that, and it’ll make for a nicer drive for you, anyway!  Why are you even awake during morning rush hour!?


Old lady, let’s not pretend you need that gun in the car to make you dangerous behind the wheel.

Anyway, back on track, you need a bluetooth.  Gone are the days where you’ll look like your meds just ran out when you’re talking in a direction that no people exist, but you still get all the benefits of being able to screw with people and make them think you’re talking to them when you really aren’t.  It’s all up to you and the direction you face!  Hell, multitask conversations instead of driving and conversing.  I can think of plenty of times I’ve wanted to tell two people at the same time that they’re retarded, all with the extra benefit of looking like some big shot that can’t be bothered to hold a phone up to my head.


 This man either just got finished closing an important deal, or just got news that he received a Wall Street bailout.  Industry sustaining go getter or giant flaming douche-bag, at least he’s definitely a big deal.

These days they’re more comfortable, have better sound quality, are easier to pair to your phone, and have extra features.  You can still talk on them and transfer your contacts and stolen MP3s to other people through them, but now they have voice to text abilities, noise cancellation, extended battery life, etc….  Plus, they’ll stop you from getting a ticket in one of those awful states with all the laws.  

For the record, the fact that WI has a law that you have to ride in a car seat until you’re 25 and 200lbs and no hands free law is kind of stupid.  I guess we have more car seat manufacturing plants than bluetooth factories in this state.



Kohl’s Department Store vs Math

In Shopping, Uncategorized on August 19, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , , , ,

ImageAh, Kohl’s Department store. You are one of the only department stores in the country that has managed to grow and prosper even through the darkest of this recession. How do you do it?

Is it your friendly staff and customer service?

No, you will never find someone on the floor past the cash register, and the people that are at the register are required to jabber on about Kohl’s cards and cash and savings, yadda yadda yadda, for all eternity.  It is impossible to leave that store without Kohl’s letting you know what a favor they’re doing you by letting you shop there.

Is it about the wonderful brands you carry?

No, no one shops at Kohl’s to look great. You shop at Kohl’s to not look bad. Have you ever said to someone “wow, nice shirt. Did you get that at Kohl’s?” Nope, that’s not a thing. Kohl’s is pretty much Goodwill with a bigger selection, and some of their clothes don’t smell like the previous owner.

Kohl’s has been so successful for the simple reason that they have managed to capitalize on our country’s greatest weakness. Math. They then take that weakness and exploit it using watered down discounts and coupons. Floor sales, mailer coupons/discounts, charge cards discounts, special sale day discounts, scratch off discounts, and more all look deceivingly good.


For example –

Everyone that has ever been to Kohl’s knows that everything they sell is at LEAST twice as expensive as Kohl’s expects you to pay for it. An item they expect to sell for $50 is on the floor for no less than $100, and it’s usually closer to $150 depending on what type of product it is. Items that have more opportunities for discounts (clothes) are usually higher.

Dress pants are a good example. A pair of pants they expect to get $40 for would be at least $120 in store. Doesn’t seem so bad, because it’ll have an immediate sale price of 40% off. That brings it down to $72 already! It’s still high, but that’s OK, because we have a 20% off coupon and when we start our Kohl’s charge we’ll get another 10% off. 70% off of $120 is $84, so we’re getting these pants for $36. They can’t be making that much money on these things!


Wrong. Those discounts most definitely do not work like that. The discounts apply one at a time, so we’re looking at an entirely different number. the first 40% does take it from $120 to to $72, but your second discount of 20% is not as effective. Those sneaky marketing people have now devalued your additional coupons, because instead of your 20% coupon being worth 20% of the $120 ($24), it’s only worth 20% of the $72 ($14.40). Your coupon is only worth 60% of what it seems like it would be worth.

The 10% of the card gets even worse. 10% of the $120 would be 12 bucks, but now you’re getting it off the current value of the $57.60. That’s 5.76 off, which takes that 10% discount and makes it worth less than 5% off your total starting amount.


Your original estimate of $36 for the pants is actually off by $15.84, at 51.84. You’re paying 44% more for those pants than you might have thought. Even if you had three more 10% off coupons for a total of 100% worth of discounts those pants would cost more than the $36 you had in mind.

It gets even worse if you have one of those little coupons Kohl’s mails out every so often for $10 off your next purchase during a select time period. That would bring those pants down from $51.84 to $41.84, making them very close to what you originally expected to pay for them, right?


Nope, that discount gets applied to the original $120 price of the pants, even though Kohl’s at no point ever intended you to buy them for that much. Your ten dollars is subject to all your discounts, so it’s actually worth $4.32. Not exactly as exciting as your original $10. Instead of your $36 – $10 coupon sitting you at $26 you actually are going to be paying 51.84 – 4.32, or 47.52. That’s almost 83% more than you thought.

This is all better than if instead of those pants being 40% off initially, they were 20% off, and then an additional clearance price of 20% off the sale price! If that was the case you’d end up paying about $4 more for those pants.

Long story short, if you do go to Kohl’s just get in line behind an old lady. I guarantee you will watch her get about eight total discounts adding up to somewhere around 200% off of her purchases. If Kohl’s can make money off those people that have all day to take advantage of every coupon that’s ever been offered in all existence, that would mean that if you have a job or a family you have absolutely no hope of avoiding getting sodomized by them.


Christian Bale Plays a Very Convincing Mitt Romney

In Humor, Movies on August 8, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , , , ,

So I’d like to start this article off with a spoiler alert.  You three people that have yet to see The Dark Knight Rises are welcome.


Anyway, I saw the third Batman, and I think that movie finally puts some real balance on that left leaning Hollywood environment everyone complains about. 

Basically, I’m pretty sure this is how the movie was meant to be interpreted.  Mega rich man Mitt Romney (Bruce Wayne, in the movie), takes on the Occupy Wall Street group, headed by Bane, and anonymous figurehead of that group called Bane to represent the members brought down to the 99% by being fired during Mitt Romney’s days as CEO of the Bain corporation.

Mitt Romney’s original persona (Bruce Wayne) is a philanthropist who donates regularly to charity and works on green energy sources (as I now am 99% sure that Gotham City is in Massachusetts).  His liberal side was effective for a while, but now he needs to make a difference against the poor and criminal element, so he adopts an alternate identity as the conservative Batman.  Obviously, he is now huge into defense spending.

Batman fights against the Occupy Wall Street crowd as they flood the street and try and take over the city, terrorizing the rich and causing havoc with the stock exchange.  I feel the bias against this group went a little far with them being a threat to the lives of millions and millions of people, but I can only imagine that the odor that would stem from a protest of that nature would be very devastating.  I do believe that his initial defeat is representative of the 2008 primaries.

I really feel that they capture the full element of Romney’s character.  Not once, even with all the parties he went to, do I remember seeing him smoke, drink alcohol, or enjoy a caffeinated beverage.  He did, however, seem to be carrying on relationships with Miranda Tate and Catwoman at the same time, even if they weren’t all married until the general movie-going audience becomes more accepting of Mitt Romney’s Mormon lifestyle.

There were some ideas in the movie I found hard to believe.

The first of those ideas being that those people had a lot of guns for how little they actually fired them.  Think about when all the cops got loose with handguns and charged the Occupy Wall Street people that all had assault rifles.  Why and how did that turn into a fist fight?

Secondly, after they start ransacking and pillaging everything, I saw a weirdly large number of 100lb attractive women having a lot of fun.  Seems to me that after thousands of criminals are freed from jail into an area with no cops, no laws, and pandemonium everywhere, I would not want to be an attractive small woman readily available.


Right to Bear Arms, Dog Teeth

In Uncategorized on August 4, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , , , ,


Am I the only person who sees a comparison between our second amendment and the right to own pit bulls?

Both are basically created to kill things –

Maybe not necessarily kill things in all cases, but the best case scenario for pitbulls is that they were originally bred to hunt down other animals.

Both are frequently taken away after their owners are arrested for something or another –

Ignore the fact that on a episode of Cops pit bulls are to dogs what white, sleaveless undershirts are to clothing. Studies pretty conclusively show that if you love going to jail, odds are good that a pitbull is your dog of choice.

Both are used for killing animals for sport –

Oh Michael Vick, if only you had learned how wonderfully legal it is to just shoot animals yourself.

Both are not to be trusted around kids –

You can feel free to check out those numbers with a quick Google search, but my favorite statistic is that 95% of attacks on kids by pitbulls are unprovoked, which is over twice as high as any other breed.


Both have a vast majority of the population that don’t like them around, and a very vocal minority of the population that are fanatical about how great they are and how integral they are to their lives-

I do love how pit bull owners all say that it’s all how the dog is raised and that their pitbull would do that. I feel like I hear it a lot, as in every time a pit bull attacks or kills something. Remember, 44% of all pit bull attacks are on family members. Even with how many pitbull attacks there are on kids, you never really hear anyone say “well, I should’ve seen that one coming” after it chomps on their daughter’s face.


The big difference between a pit bull and a gun is that the pit bull doesn’t need a person to make it kill someone. Sure, a person can make it a lot better at killing things, but it’s just naturally built to kill things. Do I care if you have one? No, just keep it away from me and everything I love. Kinda like guns, we have concealed carry, so please conceal your dog while I’m around.


Smart Phones, Dumb Folks

In Phones, Technology, Uncategorized, Work on August 3, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , ,

ImageAs a person who has done troubleshooting for customers in only one type of technical field (cell phones) I really have to wonder if customers are more retarded about cell phones than other electronics because smartphones are relatively new to a lot of people.

This is especially true when it comes to the warrantee replacement issue. If I received a device, it had a problem with let’s say… freezing, and then I got it replaced a half dozen times and it did the same goddamn thing every time I would wonder if it was something I was doing, as opposed to a fatal flaw with every device I have ever used before calling my company to throw a tantrum about how the device is giant dud and claiming I’ve been scammed into buying a device that never works. Like a company with millions of customers would be ok releasing a device and continuing to sell them if every single device of that model had a known issue that caused it to stop working within a month of you having that device.

If you were to get a computer at Best Buy, that computer were to stop working, and Best Buy’s policy was to just give you a replacement computer so they didn’t have to deal with your whining, wouldn’t you assume that after getting a handful of different computers that all had the same issue after a certain amount of time that maybe you should try doing something different? Maybe you would stop loading the same programs immediately onto your computer. Maybe you would check to see if you have enough memory to comfortably run all those programs. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard a customer loudly complain that their phone won’t do something basic like recieve picture messages, and then halfway through the process of trying to fix their phone casually mention “oh yeah, and my phone keeps telling me I have low memory”.

There is a reason why in-store tech support will require you to do a factory reset on your phone before replacing it.  That reason is because after we get your crap off the phone, it usually works after that.  When you complain that it stops working a couple weeks after that, the new issue is whatever the reason is that causes the phone to have an owner that puts all the exact same crap on the phone that wasn’t working before.

And please, the next time you talk to your phone company with your undies all in a bunch over your smart phone not working well, let’s not get an attitude, because odds are better than not that the problem with your phone is either your fault because of what you have on your phone, or your fault because you’re trying to do too much with a smartphone you weren’t willing to pay more than $50 for. When you come to me yelling that your phone doesn’t work and I see that it’s giving you low memory errors, I view your blowing up on me similar to how the person who sold you your car would look at you if you came back to them screaming about how your car now has a flat tire; it’s not my fault and it’s an easy fix if you can take a deep breath and act like a grown up.


Stealing Someone’s Identity In Very Simple Steps

In Phones, Technology, Work on April 24, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , , ,

Interested in stealing someone’s identity in very simple steps?  Here’s how.

First of all, have a bill from a while ago that you haven’t paid.  In my instance, one of the billion hospital bills I got on my trip the the ER for a breathing problem I had.  Spent 30 minutes in the hospital, ran some tests, couldn’t figure out what was happening, got charged a couple grand even through my very high end insurance.  Very brutal, and apparently one of those bills did not get paid.  Perfect.

The next step is to wait for someone to call you from a collection department.  The new system they have for this is very annoying, as they actually put you on hold after they call you until someone is around to take the call.

The final step seems to be very, very easy.   After they asked me if I was me, I asked them to verify who I was by giving me my social security number, DOB, and address.  Sadly, this actually worked, as without doing anything besides confirming my name that they read off for me, the representative I was speaking with was more than happy to give me my full nine digit social security number, my date of birth, and my full billing address to “confirm they were speaking with the right person”.

Is this crazy?  I don’t even mind that I actually got a call pertaining to me, since I’m used to getting them for other people.  I get calls for three or four other peoples’ debts, though, and I never knew all I had to do was agree that I was the person in question in order to get all that personal’s private information.  If you see me at the library amassing a great wealth of products you’ll know that I’ve just hit the information lottery.  Please do not call State Collection Services Inc. in Madison trying to get my personal information, though.  My credit isn’t worth stealing.


Zooey and Apple, Perfect Combination

In Humor, Phones, Shopping, Technology on April 22, 2012 by My Crushed Soul Tagged: , , ,

After having seen those new iPhone ads featuring that knucklehead Zooey Deschanel dancing around and talking to Siri, I would have to say that those two are a perfect match.

Both are trying to come off as quirky underdogs to be appreciated by the unique free thinking people, when they are most definitely not these things.  Apple is huge, yet they still are represented as the artsy, creative type that ventures away from vanilla Microsoft, yet that company is making enough money to make CEO billionaires.  Someone will have to explain to me exactly why Apple products have such huge markups, because the 25 cents an hour we pay those Chinese slaves factory workers hardly justifies the $700 price tag on phones phones and the $2500 MacBook pricing when you get get similar spec’ed competitor equipment for less than half the price.

Deschanel is similar.  Not only was she not always the offbeat goofball that her latest appearances would have you believe, there was a time where she actually tried to be sexual!  I know that it’s hard to believe, but that time did in fact exist.

Yeah, that's a girl you would assume would have weird tastes and be awkward around guys.


Apple and Zooey, both household names.  Both overrated.  Both pretty annoying.  Both have incredible marketing.  Both apparently think Siri can do a lot more than it actually does.

I am feeling a little bit more generous toward Zooey after that picture, though, so I’ll leave her alone until people start killing themselves because of her.  Although she did recently divorce Ben Gibbard, and anyone who has ever heard a Death Cab For Cutie song knows that guy is constantly teetering on the verge of suicide.