Get a Goddamn Bluetooth

OK, people, we’re going to keep this simple.  When you have a phone in your hand, you drive like a fucking moron.  I know you think you’re a master multitask-er in the car, but you aren’t.  If you weren’t a good driver in the first place, you are now 100 times worse.  This is in no way debatable.

A bluetooth is not super advanced technology anymore.  I’ll tell you what is high technology – the medical equipment required to repair your internal organs from the multiple stab wounds you’ll receive after cutting me off while driving 20 miles an hour below the clearly posted speed limit while carrying on a conversation about your cat.  The added bonus?  $30 to $100 for an earpiece is far less than the copay on that ER visit.

 

This is a beautiful device, and will save your life either from an accident, or my wrath.

Are you one of those 50+ year old individuals that feels like you can’t keep up with technology, so you feel like you can cherry-pick what technology you want to use (cell phones) and not bother with the technology that seems like too much work (using a hands free device) while driving?  Tough shit.  On a touchscreen phone you can sync a bluetooth for the first time in fewer screen taps than it takes to dial a number you don’t have programmed into your phone.  Get a fucking bluetooth or don’t talk while you drive!  That’s not asking a lot!

Are you 65+?  Well, then I have a whole separate question for you.  Why do you insist on driving during rush hour?  You’re retired!  You can drive below the speed limit erratically whenever the hell you want!  There are only TWO times a day when you shouldn’t be doing that, and it’ll make for a nicer drive for you, anyway!  Why are you even awake during morning rush hour!?

Old lady, let’s not pretend you need that gun in the car to make you dangerous behind the wheel.

Anyway, back on track, you need a bluetooth.  Gone are the days where you’ll look like your meds just ran out when you’re talking in a direction that no people exist, but you still get all the benefits of being able to screw with people and make them think you’re talking to them when you really aren’t.  It’s all up to you and the direction you face!  Hell, multitask conversations instead of driving and conversing.  I can think of plenty of times I’ve wanted to tell two people at the same time that they’re retarded, all with the extra benefit of looking like some big shot that can’t be bothered to hold a phone up to my head.

 This man either just got finished closing an important deal, or just got news that he received a Wall Street bailout.  Industry sustaining go getter or giant flaming douche-bag, at least he’s definitely a big deal.

These days they’re more comfortable, have better sound quality, are easier to pair to your phone, and have extra features.  You can still talk on them and transfer your contacts and stolen MP3s to other people through them, but now they have voice to text abilities, noise cancellation, extended battery life, etc….  Plus, they’ll stop you from getting a ticket in one of those awful states with all the laws.  

For the record, the fact that WI has a law that you have to ride in a car seat until you’re 25 and 200lbs and no hands free law is kind of stupid.  I guess we have more car seat manufacturing plants than bluetooth factories in this state.

Christian Bale Plays a Very Convincing Mitt Romney

So I’d like to start this article off with a spoiler alert.  You three people that have yet to see The Dark Knight Rises are welcome.

 

Anyway, I saw the third Batman, and I think that movie finally puts some real balance on that left leaning Hollywood environment everyone complains about. 

Basically, I’m pretty sure this is how the movie was meant to be interpreted.  Mega rich man Mitt Romney (Bruce Wayne, in the movie), takes on the Occupy Wall Street group, headed by Bane, and anonymous figurehead of that group called Bane to represent the members brought down to the 99% by being fired during Mitt Romney’s days as CEO of the Bain corporation.

Mitt Romney’s original persona (Bruce Wayne) is a philanthropist who donates regularly to charity and works on green energy sources (as I now am 99% sure that Gotham City is in Massachusetts).  His liberal side was effective for a while, but now he needs to make a difference against the poor and criminal element, so he adopts an alternate identity as the conservative Batman.  Obviously, he is now huge into defense spending.

Batman fights against the Occupy Wall Street crowd as they flood the street and try and take over the city, terrorizing the rich and causing havoc with the stock exchange.  I feel the bias against this group went a little far with them being a threat to the lives of millions and millions of people, but I can only imagine that the odor that would stem from a protest of that nature would be very devastating.  I do believe that his initial defeat is representative of the 2008 primaries.

I really feel that they capture the full element of Romney’s character.  Not once, even with all the parties he went to, do I remember seeing him smoke, drink alcohol, or enjoy a caffeinated beverage.  He did, however, seem to be carrying on relationships with Miranda Tate and Catwoman at the same time, even if they weren’t all married until the general movie-going audience becomes more accepting of Mitt Romney’s Mormon lifestyle.

There were some ideas in the movie I found hard to believe.

The first of those ideas being that those people had a lot of guns for how little they actually fired them.  Think about when all the cops got loose with handguns and charged the Occupy Wall Street people that all had assault rifles.  Why and how did that turn into a fist fight?

Secondly, after they start ransacking and pillaging everything, I saw a weirdly large number of 100lb attractive women having a lot of fun.  Seems to me that after thousands of criminals are freed from jail into an area with no cops, no laws, and pandemonium everywhere, I would not want to be an attractive small woman readily available.

Zooey and Apple, Perfect Combination

After having seen those new iPhone ads featuring that knucklehead Zooey Deschanel dancing around and talking to Siri, I would have to say that those two are a perfect match.

Both are trying to come off as quirky underdogs to be appreciated by the unique free thinking people, when they are most definitely not these things.  Apple is huge, yet they still are represented as the artsy, creative type that ventures away from vanilla Microsoft, yet that company is making enough money to make CEO billionaires.  Someone will have to explain to me exactly why Apple products have such huge markups, because the 25 cents an hour we pay those Chinese slaves factory workers hardly justifies the $700 price tag on phones phones and the $2500 MacBook pricing when you get get similar spec’ed competitor equipment for less than half the price.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/may/27/foxconn-suicide-tenth-iphone-china

Deschanel is similar.  Not only was she not always the offbeat goofball that her latest appearances would have you believe, there was a time where she actually tried to be sexual!  I know that it’s hard to believe, but that time did in fact exist.

Yeah, that's a girl you would assume would have weird tastes and be awkward around guys.

 

Apple and Zooey, both household names.  Both overrated.  Both pretty annoying.  Both have incredible marketing.  Both apparently think Siri can do a lot more than it actually does.

I am feeling a little bit more generous toward Zooey after that picture, though, so I’ll leave her alone until people start killing themselves because of her.  Although she did recently divorce Ben Gibbard, and anyone who has ever heard a Death Cab For Cutie song knows that guy is constantly teetering on the verge of suicide.

Tiny Soda Cans, Why?

OK, so while shopping today I came across those stupid, tiny cans of soda that have been popping into existence.  Either 7.5 or 8oz cans are available for people that don’t care for the standard 12oz cans, but what’s the reason behind the can size downgrade?  Is weight of a full 12 oz can too much for the lazy people that inhabit our country?  Are the tiny soda cans so adorable that they make the soda taste better?  It must be one of those, because there is no other reason to drink those stupid things.

If we look at common pricing at Target or Walmart the tiny 7.5oz cans come in 8 packs for about $3.  12 Packs of 12oz cans are $4.  Bizarrely enough, this means you pay 37.5 cents per 7.5oz can and about 33 cents per 12oz can.

Why are you paying more for small cans?  For one additional dollar you can go from 60oz of soda to 144oz of soda.  Even if you drink 7oz from each can and throw them out you’d still be saving money!  This isn’t like buying a 2 liter where it’ll run out of carbonation over time and it’ll be tough to lug around with you where you go.  It’s almost like by buying 7.5oz cans you’re telling companies that not only are you basically retarded when it comes to math, but you’re actually willing to pay more money in order for them to give you less.  They’ve already had their laughs when it came to selling low calorie small portions to you at grocery stores and restaurants while still charging the same amount, but now they’re sticking it to us again, and changing around the quantities of the items around to make it harder (still not hard) to directly compare items.

Not today, you bigwig asshats.  I hope they’ve designed those tiny cans specifically to fit into your billionaire rectums, because that’s right where you can put them.  Please do not let this give you the idea to release anus flavored soda, though.  Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb have enough competition as it is.

My Daughter’s Future Career Path

Now, as parents, most of us want their kids to work hard and get a job that will provide for them and their kids in the future.  I feel the same way, but I’ve learned in my time that careers of the past just aren’t feasible or realistic, and a lot of those jobs that seemed so great really aren’t good at all.  There really aren’t astronauts flying to the moon anymore.  Presidents age at warp speed during their time in office, and we all want our kids to outlive us.  Firemen have dangerous jobs, and most of them aren’t full-time jobs, anymore.  So what job am I going to suggest for my daughter?

This woman earned three hundred dollars. Why is holding up a fraction of an average American's paycheck supposed to be impressive? Is she paying the bill at Glamour Shots?

Landlord hired move-out cleaning person.

I’ll admit, I don’t know the finer points of this position, the benefits, or the hours.  What I do know, is that apparently this is the highest paid cleaning job in the universe.  I’m soon to be moving into a new apartment, and these are the charges I will face if my apartment that I’ve lived in for three years isn’t spotless when I’m gone.

Kitchen counter tops – $50 – Please note, our current kitchen has about 10 square feet of counter top space.  It’s half the reason we’re moving.  This can’t possibly take longer than 10 minutes to make it look better than when we moved in.

Clean the stove – $50 – This one is almost worth sucking up, because those goddamn burners are annoying to clean.  Still, can’t imagine it taking longer than half an hour, so it seems well within my pay grade.

Clean the refrigerator – $100 – ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS to clean the fridge!?  I swear to you with NO exaggeration, I could buy two of this fridge for under a hundred bucks.  If I were to take this fridge outside and explode it in the street I would be upset if they charged me $100 to replace it.  Ridiculous!

Wash the dishwasher – $20 – This should be a testimate to what a pile of crap our dishwasher is.  They have to remind us to manually clean it, since it makes the things inside it dirtier than they started.  I know Waukesha water is brutal when you have no water softener, but this thing is the world’s most useless appliance ever.  As long as we’re making up insane fees, I would like to charge them $1000 for misleading us into thinking we would have a working washing machine over half the time we lived here, despite numerous calls to complain.

Wash the widows – $50 PER ROOM – That’s $50 bucks a window.  Awesome.

Clean the floors in the dining room and kitchen – $50 – Now, I’m glad they separated floor cleaning by couples of rooms, because if they would’ve told me $50 for all the rooms together it might be acceptable, but the next one is my favorite.

Vacuum all carpeting – $50 – You are going to charge me $50 to run a vacuum over what can’t be more than 600 square feet of carpet.  Are you insane?  What kind of tools are your cleaning people using for these jobs?

Dusting mini-blinds – $50 – What… the.. hell…?  This is only for the mini-blinds.  There are over $170 worth of potential dust related charges!

Clean the sink – $25 – The one sink in the apartment.  Thankfully there aren’t more, because these things are brutal to clean, apparently.

Return the parking pass – $10 – Why do you want this three year old parking pass back!?  Do you think we’re going to come back and use this place as a parking lot later in life?

There are many, many more, but that gives you a general idea.  $1270 is what I’d estimate they’d charge me if I did no cleaning.  On the letter it says “Experience has proven these are the areas that generate unexpected deductions from security deposits”.  Yeah, no kidding those are unexpected!  This doesn’t include any actual damages.  I could hire a group of hot chicks in french maid outfits to do this for me for half as much, and at least I’d get something out of it.

So I figure the management of my apartment complex must pay the cleaning people at least $300/hr, based on how much they charge for how little they actually do.  Over $1200 for general cleaning on an apartment around 950 square feet is robbery, so I’m going to have to view it as a lucrative opportunity for my daughter when she’s old enough.  She won’t have to waste her time on education (unless the Spanish speaking ladies I see cleaning the other units in the complex have Bachelor’s degrees in cleanology), she’ll make a fortune, and she’ll be able to start at a very young age.

What I never realized is that those are Gucci yellow rubber gloves, the latest Prada bucket, and a Versace checkered apron dress. I know nothing about fashion.

Keep this in mind, parents.  College is expensive, and kids straight out of college are having a hell of a time finding jobs that pay better than what non-educated people are making.  Apartment cleaning is the way of the future!

Craigslist, The Modern Day Flea Market

People are always jabbering on and on about Craigslist, but do any of you people actually use it?  I was just kind of curious, because I’ve been on there a few times, and I’m not sure if anyone actually successfully buys or sells anything on there.

My first complaint comes with the fact that the pricing is never accurate.  Ever.  A third of everything on there is listed for a penny for reasons that I can only assume include making it come up earlier for people searching by price, and to make people call them with offers.  I know this, because every time I offer to buy someone’s furniture for a penny they seem to get offended.

Even with non penny prices, things never go as they should.  Selling your phone for $100?  When I call you sudden interest has caused the price to go up by $50.  What caused this mysterious demand?  What did you tell the first person that called you wanting to buy it?  “Thanks for your interest.  I’ll get back to you after a little while because I need to consider if I still want to sell it now that someone actually wants to buy it, and I may need to consider other peoples’ offers.”  This isn’t Ebay, you filthy troll.  I’m not looking to haggle with you.  Even if I was, I shouldn’t get a call from you informing me that the price has gone up after I’m halfway to your place.  Marking up an item based on how committed they’ve got someone into the sales process is going to get your house burned down.

I’m not even convinced I want to go to your house, you dirty creeper.  Discounting the fact that there’s a 20% chance you’re going to try and turn my skin into lampshades, everyone seems to have the similar sales mantra of “first come first serve”.  Do you think I’m going to drive 20-30 minutes to your house on the off chance that you still have that $10 DVD player?  If it was a good enough deal for me to want it, the odds are good someone else has the same idea.  Although it would be worth buying, it’s not worth my time to get the chance to buy it.  I’m not asking you to put the goddamn thing on layaway for a month, just hold it for an hour!

Fine Craigslist grade merchandise!

Internet, you’re supposed to make my life easier, yet it still seems like you’re just giving the weirdos better access to bother the normals.

I Will Kill The Inventor of Customer Satisfaction Surveys

You ever get those little surveys from retail stores or fast food restaurants that offer you a dollar off your next purchase, or a chance to win money by taking them? Why on Earth do companies rely on these things to make decisions?

Think about the people that are willing to take a 10 minute survey to explain how they feel about their trip to WalMart.  Would you want to cater everyone’s experience around the opinions of someone who has so much extra time that they can spend twenty minutes online taking a survey for a one in a billion chance to win $1000 worth of WalMart merchandise?  If you have that much extra time and so little money that the miniscule chance of winning a mediocre prize paid in cheap products has an influence on how you live your life, you shouldn’t be taking a survey from them, you should be applying for a job working for them.  It almost makes me want to spend time filling out those stupid things, since it makes me upset to think that these companies are now going to be basing business decisions around catering to these morons.

$1000 chance of winning with only a million other people surveyed! That's like .1 cents for 20 minutes of time!

Hey Taco Bell, we already know that your customer service is terrible without the help of some strongly disagree ratings on a survey.  No one goes there and orders more than two things without expecting you to screw something up.  That will never change until you start paying people more than minimum wage.  I don’t even expect it to change, and I certainly don’t want you to take any measures to fix it.  I’ll order one extra taco every time I drive through to make sure you include enough food to fill me up, but you have to hold up to your part of the bargain and not increase operating costs by replacing those creatures that work inside your restaurants, causing operating expenses to go up.  I want to pay 99 cents, and only 99 cents, for each spongey tortilla shell filled with what you call cheese and beef-like product. If you want to make me happy you can stop wasting money by doing these ridiculous surveys and put 10% more imitation meat product in your dollar menu items.  My cancerous tumors and morbid obesity aren’t going to develop themselves.

I don't know what this crap actually is, but give me three! Actually, make it four, because you'll forget one and probably screw another one up.

This world already caters to the 1% of the population that comprise the “squeakiest wheel” demographic.  Please stop giving these people things, and stop making an experience around what these people want.  The customers that have the time to fill out stupid surveys and call and give feedback on the customer service they received by a disinterested clerk at a cheap retail store are the customers that are ruining things for everyone else!  If someone told you that there was a tiny base of customers that would tie up the majority of your customer service department, return enough items to cause half of your refurbished or open-box inventory, and constantly demand credits and free things from your company, you shouldn’t be saying “how can I give these people everything they want?”.  You should be saying “how can I get those dumbasses to go ruin my competitor?”.  Maybe end every one of these surveys with “thanks for wasting your time taking this survey, you goddamn idiot”.

The next time you go to buy a phone and you see three sales people trying placate some irrational stupid’s tirade about how his phone is too confusing because it has too many options that he can’t simply ignore (because he paid for those features!) and how he was tricked into getting a flip phone that was too difficult to use, remember that if you have service with that company you are indirectly paying for the customer service it takes to handle that idiot.  80% of the calls at that phone company’s call center come from the same 5% of people.  You know why so many companies outsource customer service?  It’s because those morons waste so much money worth of peoples’ time that companies can no longer afford to hire Americans to talk to you while keeping service rates competitive.  Those high maintenence jackasses are ruining things for the people that have legitamate problems and just want to speak to someone that can understand the finer intricacies of their own language.

You know why it’s so hard to get a warranty issue taken care of?  It’s because those special people are trying to scam a return due to something they did wrong, or because they don’t take the time to actually try to figure out and resolve the problem on their own. All technical support people assume you’re retarded, because 80% of the time they’re getting calls from that 5% of people that don’t take the time to see if their electronics are plugged in, or have batteries in them, or just need a basic thirty second fix.  This is all not assuming the person the person is a downright bastard and just complaining about imaginary problems with their phone to get the upgraded model he wants.

SPOILER ALERT: 90% of all electronic issues can be resolved by turning the device off and back on, but do you think these people try that?  I swear to you, if I had a recording that played before I took each customer’s call that said “please turn your phone off and back on” I would take half as many troubleshooting calls.  I am not exaggerating.

Next time you go shopping, think about the fact that if you could get rid of the 5% of people that ruin it for everyone else with their incompetence, illogical complaints, ridiculous lawsuits, and abusive attitudes your expensives would be considerably less, the company you worked for would be much more profitable, and you could be paid more.  Now this is not the case if you’re a lawyer, since they feed off the stupid lawsuits and the threat of those lawsuits, but if you are, I feel fairly comfortable tossing you into that 5%.

Hail to Amazon, Our Retail Overlords

Let’s face the facts, Amazon controls our lives, and we should all be thankful for that.  To celebrate their control over our lives, I have created this top 5 list of reasons I appreciate them.  Hopefully they’ll appreciate it enough to make sure I’m the first one to get an Amazon drone chip placed in my brain when they run the rest of the operations in this declining wasteland of a planet.

#1  I am a guy

Oh dear, what will I do without being able to wander around in in a retail store trying to find things?  Being able to type a word in a box is way less convenient/fun than randomly stumbling around a department store trying to find things.  How will I know what shoes are right for me without trying on twenty different pairs in three different places over the course of three hours?  I miss interacting with indifferent sales people and zoned out customers wandering around like drunken hobos.  Do these pants make me look fat?  These are things that will never come out of my mouth.

Why yes, Amazon prime, I would like to use your for your free month duration. See you again next November!

#2  Screws with California

Now, I’m a red-blooded American man in the heart of the Midwest, so it’s only natural that I love to watch California fail at everything it does.  Needless to say, things have been pretty great lately.  Their economy is in the dump.  They’ve strung together a list of governors that have thoroughly embarrassed them for quite some time.  Hollywood is putting together horrible movie after horrible movie.   The government and its citizens seem to spend every waking moment trying to undo what the other is doing.  If you turn the TV off for a week you’ll have no idea whether or not they allow gay people to get married.  Doing absolutely nothing to help them is Amazon, making sure to do everything in their power to not pay that filthy state a single penny in sales taxes.

The best part about the whole thing is that Amazon is using California’s own stupid laws to punish them even further.  I think we can all agree that the whole ballot referendum thing is dumb as hell.  It shows everyone the exact reason why this country is a republic instead of a democracy.  Even better than not paying sales taxes, Amazon actually spent over five million dollars to collect signatures to overturn the law that would require them to pay sales tax.  So just to make sure you’ve got this straight, Amazon said “not only will we not pay you sales tax, we’re going to spend millions to waste state money on ballots, petitions, and voting in order to cause you to lose money in the process”.  Sounds awesome to me.

#3 Slowly putting Best Buy out of business

Anyone who has actually been to Best Buy has secretly harbored thoughts about burning that place to the ground.  Tell me with all honesty that you’ve never left that store with the thought of wrapping one of those overpriced HDMI cables around a sales person’s throat after they’ve interrogated you about a TV package, or where you stood on your cell phone plan.  Explain to me how they ALWAYS show up when you are in the middle of browsing yourself, and then sprint off into the back room the second you actually have a question.

Share with me the moment you realized that the Geek Squad did not actually consist of the brainy geeks like you hear about winning chess tournaments and creating homemade computers, but the geeks like that kid you knew in high school who never brought a lunch because his stomach was full of what he removed from his nose with his finger during his first four periods.  Sorry Geek Squad, but the lack of social skills kind of geeks are not the ones I want touching my computer equipment.  I admit, it’s a clever way of providing a warranty that’s over twice as expensive without actually providing a valuable extra service, but I’m not interested at this time.  If a “geek” is the type of geek we’re looking for, by the time he turns 30 he should have a better job than making $9 an hour poking at a computer for five minutes before just reformatting it or replacing it though warranty.

You go Amazon.  Let’s watch them hire their pesky sales people, pay their ridiculous sales tax, and harass their customers for long-term warranties that are voided if you look at their products the wrong way.  Good luck with that.

#4 Kindle Fire

The Kindle Fire is awesome.  Do better, higher end tablets exist?  Yes, they most certainly do.  They also cost two to four times as much.  For under $200 you can’t afford NOT to have a Kindle Fire!

Now, the trick to the Kindle Fire is realizing why it is so damn cheap.  For $200 you’re hauling around a wireless Amazon catalog.  Sure, the Amazon app market isn’t quite as large and inexpensive as the regular Android market.  Sure, It doesn’t have as many apps as the Apple market.  Sure, the Apple market is really expensive just like everything Apple related and Apple users can go shove their devices where the sun doesn’t shine.  But to get back on point, for two hundred bucks it still goes on the internet.  It still plays movies, accesses your email, plays your stupid Angry Birds, takes you to YouTube, etc, etc….  It does everything non-app related you want, and all it asks if that you hit a button that’s stuck on it every once in a while to consider buying one of their apps or shopping on their website.

#5 Hilarious reviews

Saving the best for last, have you people read some of the reviews people leave on this site for products?  Wow.  The tragedy of shopping at stores nowadays is that most of the people that are regularly shunned from society or unable to interact with human beings in person have ways around doing these things, so part of the human zoo is now missing from our lives (WalMart excluded).  The good thing is that they now go online and post hilariously ridiculous reviews on Amazon’s website.  Whether it involves not understanding the product or reading the details before they bought something, angrily venting about something only they feel is related to the product, or not operating the product correctly, I feel like our lives can all be enriched by enjoying the suffering other peoples’ stupidity brings upon themselves.

Go to http://leasthelpful.com/ to enjoy many wonderful online shopping critiques straight from the dummies themselves.

Flip Flops, Greatest Mistake in Apparel History

When it comes to fashion, I’ll be the first to admit that I what I know about fashion could be compared to what a TSA agent knows about self-respect.  Even still, I know that no one should ever be caught wearing flip flops, the worst thing to ever appear on human beings since open herpes sores.

I’m not the biggest foot hater or lover in the world, more like a foot indifferent, but feet look best in shoes.  Closed shoes.  Shoes that are firmly attatched to the feet.  Shoes that don’t do more damage to your posture than spending your entire waking moment slouching at a desk, staring into a computer screen while listening to 80 year old women complain about how their lives are miserable now that their grandkids only communicate with them via text.

I would say one of the things that bug me most about flip flops is that people that wear them are constantly taking them off, or picking at their feet.  First, that’s disgusting.  Second, this is not giving off the image of yourself you want people to get.  When the whole purpose of wearing an article of clothing is that it makes it easier to take off at a moment’s notice and mess around with the part of the body it was on, that part of the body should be on a woman, and it better damn well be on something more interesting than a foot.  Do you even want to attract a person with a foot fetish?  Yuck.

I remember the good ol’ days, when people wore flip flops solely for pool and shower related purposes.  That made sense, because protecting yourself from athlete’s foot and warts at the expense of a $2 article of footwear is a noble idea.  Wearing that same disposable article of clothing with $100 jeans is some strange, unintentionally ironic statement about fashion.  The only way to accessorize flip flops is with one of those giant protective safety helmets made for specials, or a backwards, upside down visor.  Maybe one of those Livestrong bracelets, too.  Those things are dumb as hell.

You are one step away from hitting this level of stupid.

You might as well go all out hobo and wear worn out sweatpants and a wifebeater.  Why bother wearing nice things on the rest of your body if all the attention is just going be drawn down to the cheap plastic planks loosely attatched to your feet?

You ever see someone wear a really nice, expensive suit along with a gaudy, off color tie that ruins the whole ensemble?  Now imagine that awful tie also exposed one of the most visually unappealing parts of their body.  Let’s say the new fad was to wear a solid pink circle accessory in a man’s fly that perfectly exposed his balls.  Sure, having easy access to my junk would make my life more convenient, but at what cost?

Hunger Games, For People That Hate Kids

I have to say, as someone who never read the books, I was pleasantly surprised with this movie.  Normally it takes characters that I’m drawn to, a compelling story, or at least some good action sequences to get me to enjoy cinema.  This movie didn’t really hit the mark for me on any of these levels, but it did embrace something that not many other movies/books have really been able to tap into – my strong dislike of teenagers.

Spoilers ahead, obviously.

Ever almost get in a car accident because some stupid 16 year old has decided that texting while driving is something not retarded to do?  Watch a girl get stung to death by killer wasps

Do you ever get stuck in line next to a bunch of loudmouth teenage kids jabbering at each other in a dialect that consists almost solely of homophobic slurs and profanities?  Well, in one scene an 18 year old gets eaten alive by doglike animals.

Have you ever waited five full minutes to be helped at McDonald’s because some teenage girl decides that it’s imperative to take a personal cell phone call at the register while a group of her teenage coworkers stare at you blankly without actually coming to the register?  In another scene about a dozen kids get brutally hacked apart by other kids with weapons.

Think they know everything, don’t they?  Well, apparently they don’t know how to not get their necks snapped like twigs.

They want to make Justin Beiber popular and clog up the radio with songs that confuse the part of my brain that controls gender differential?  Watch a tween get a spear lodged in her chest.

So yes,  I give this movie two teens down… about six feet down in the ground.  Good times.

Although is anyone else confused at how this movie got a PG-13 rating?  I once saw a movie in which some poorly animated idiot kids said bad words and made farting noises for two hours, and that movie was NC-17.  I was 20 when I went to see that South Park movie and I got carded TWICE from the door to my seat.  Not that I’m complaining, because I really couldn’t care less, I just wish it was easier for me to see movies like this when I was that age.

Back when I was a teenager I had to walk twenty miles uphill just to see a Disney movie, and not that violent Lion King or Jungle Book stuff!  We’re talking about Cinderella, and we loved every minute of it.  And don’t get me started on kids these days!  Well, I guess I pretty much based this whole thing on kids these days, but you know what I mean.  Crotchety stuff and whatnot.

Gonna go to the mall now and shake my head disapprovingly at passing by kids.  Either that or I might just reread the Song of Ice and Fire series for the 100th time to prepare myself for the rest of season two.  Whichever.